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Panic and Anxiety

I had a certifiable panic attack last night--the report is not back and I guess the pressure got to me and I have issues with obsessing anyway. I have to keep a lid on the fears or false positives or worse yet, false negatives. I can't let the thoughts go--like a bull dog with jaws locked. D couldn't do anything--and he's really terrible at working with me when I'm in this mood. I don't want logic I want assurance which is impossible. I'm better this morning, but the thoughts linger at the back of my mind like a tooth ache.

I have an interview with Apple today to become a "Genius" at the Tysons Apple Store part time. That would be fun. I remember back in 1977, having learned that I wasn't eligible for the PhD and having to leave U-Wisconsin, having to go to an interview at U PA in Philly and the feeling of deadness inside. I, of course, did not get a place in their Anthropology program and I don't blame them. I'm not sure why every time that something devastating comes along I have to pull myself together and be extraverted and sharp when I want to curl up and lick my wounds. Sigh. Well, I might as well enjoy the interview because in the long run, it doesn't matter and that is a good attitude to go in with. Life is weird.

Here's another chapter in my John merging story.

Chapter 5--On Valldon

Chiana sat on the bench next to John's bed, her head cocked to the side, black eyes closed, listening to his light breathing. She sighed in sadness at the situation. It had been a weeken and there was no change in John's comatose state. It was as if his matra had left his body and was wandering. She had this weird feeling that only John's empty shell remained lying on the bed face pale and thin in the shadowed, lightless cell. She got up from her seat and stretched like a cat, her arms high over her head, her legs slightly bent at the knees and back arched. She was slightly hungry and thirsty and wondered where Jool was. She was supposed to releave her in their continuous vigil. She leaned down and gently stroked John's slightly clammy forehead. His eyes bounced slightly behind his closed eyelids, but he made no other reaction to her caress. She didn't even realize that she sighed again.


Aeryn Sun sat on the window sill of the decrepit hotel on the wretched planet Valldon and wondered at the strange spirals of her life. She dropped another empty bottle of Raslak off the ledge and watched it slowly spin away down the many stories its faceted surfaces reflecting the light of the myriad signposts of the city creating rainbows and flashes to finally smash on the filthy pavement with a satisfying cascade of broken glass. She smiled slightly--her life reflected in every smashed shard. She leaned her head back against the open window sill and closed her eyes and took another swig out of another bottle.

Deep in her hotel room, among the graffiti layering its dingy walls, Talyn John stood silent. His rain-soaked face gazing quiet and calm at his lover. His blue track shirt was dripping with the rain of that phantom earth where they first consummated their growing passions. His hair sparkled in the dim blinking lights of the outside advertisements for palm readers, seers, visionaries, and other crackpots. His face was pale and serene, the scar over his right eye seemed to flare in the shifting glare. Beside him, looking lost and sad, stood MoyaJohn. He stood just as silently dressed in his favorite plaid flannel work shirt and blue jeans. His shoulders hunched in dejection, blood running from his nose and ears. He clenched his fists as he too gazed at his lost love. The two men sighed in unison and as one breathed, "It's Aeryn, always Aeryn." They turned away from each other yet always towards their shared love.

Aeryn turned to the two men, like mirror images in a fun house--one man in blue and the other in flannel--both with eyes so periwinkle they drew her into their shared love. She shook her head and whispered, "Why does it have to be so hard? Why does love have to feel like my heart has been torn into shards like that bottle of Raslak? We were so happy then you had to go and be a frelling hero. What gives you the right?"

TalynJohn raised his right arm, covered in the sores and redness of his final illness and touched his palm to the mirrored palm of his brother, MoyaJohn. MoyaJohn looked bewildered and pained as he starred at his twin. He said nothing, but his longing spoke volumes. TalynJohn nodded and slowly drew his lost soul into himself. TalynJohn and MoyaJohn sighed together as they arched their heads back in the pain of their merging souls--both the same equal and true except for the difference in experiences. John felt a wrenching deep within, a shifting and completion and knew that he had been empty, missing a piece of himself that he had now found again. Their images shimmered and shook with an eerie echoing until there was only one John Crichton standing drenched in the rains of Earth.

He stood stock still, his stance peaceful and spoke in steady tones, "You never know you're gonna die. I didn't know."


Jool wrung out the cloth she was using to wipe the sweat from John's face where he lay unmoving on his bed in his quarters on Moya. He sighed and rolled his head back and forth on the pillow, suddenly agitated. Jool drew back, startled at the sudden movement. "What are you thinking? Why don't you wake, you silly Human?" she whispered as she watched John arch his head back, his neck taunt with sudden stress. Just as suddenly, he smiled, his eyes beneath their closed lids steadied from their rolling, and relaxed into immobility once more. John's head lolled on the pillow, his mouth slightly open as saliva slowly dripped on to the shimmering golden sheets. The scar on his right brow seemed to glow under Moya's diffuse light.

Jool commed D'Argo and Chiana in panic, "You'd better get down here quickly. I think that farbot man just had a seizure of some sort and I need to get the life scanner. He shouldn't be alone. There is something really weird going on here. Hurry!" She screamed the last words, here hair a flaming red as she noticed the scar that hadn't been there a microt ago. Jool poked at John's chest but he never stirred. "Come on, John, wake up. Come back to us. I hate mysteries and you are one big one."


Aeryn Sun was having a really bad run of days. She had met her mother, thought she found her lost father only to loose him again in the dead body of a stranger. She turned to the Seer, that strange multi-bodied baby in the carrier and said, "Yes, I'll try again. What can you show me?"

The Seer waved his tiny arms in anxiety as he stared at the pale face and black black hair of the Sebecean female standing before him in her brown velvet dress and bewildered eyes. He closed his four eyes in his two faces and felt something that he had rarely felt, a true vision. He opened his eyes and said, "Touch me again and you can still save John Crichton. He is in danger." John's face swam hazily in the Seer's forehead, his eyes sad and downcast, his manner pensive. Aeryn moved closer to the dreadful creature and lightly touched his face.

Aeryn felt herself wrenched apart, as if a knife had torn her in two pieces. Yet she felt herself draw closer to John's form as it materialized in Pilot's den. He had lost the protection of his flannel earth shirt and stood alone and stripped down to his white undershirt. He turned to her apparition and smiled, saying quietly, "Hey, Babe."

Aeryn touched John's face with her spectral fingers and he turned his face and kissed each pad, finishing with her palm where it lay against his lips. He spoke quietly, "There's only you. I. Love. Aeryn. You're my reason for living and breathing." Aeryn smiled in recognition of his feelings and said to him, "And there is only John Crichton. You are my soul and life." She slowly dissipated in the glow of John's fever dream. He opened his eyes and smiled at D'Argo, Chiana, and Jool where they stood next to his bed. He whispered, "Hey guys. I had the weirdest dream..."


ixchup - {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm keeping you in my thoughts.. how long did they say the test results were delayed??