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sg1 poke

Chemotherapy, Farscape and yotz

Well, pathology report came back and showed no lymph nodes have been compromised and that they got the tumor out cleanly. Nasty thing--very aggressive. So the doctor has determined that a series of chemotherapy is warranted and off I go to the oncologist on Tuesday to begin the next phase of my journey.

I have been having weird thoughts about all this. My mother is nuts--very very needy and fighting with my hubby over who hurts the most over my situation. Meanwhile I sit here feeling that I don't deserve all this attention--I don't feel sick and can't get my mind around the future--just stuck in the present and worrying about supporting everyone else emotionally while I fall apart inside slowly from the stress of it all. D is great support--tells me constantly that my mother is unhinged in her constant pleas to let her help and feeling sorry for herself and combative towards D since he is helping and she can't (I can't seem to get it through her head not to jump 20 steps ahead of me and demand my emotions when I don't know what is happening or what to think about all this yotz). Luckily my sister and I convinced her to go back to Mexico for two weeks while I wait for the next step. Since she has left I have spoken to a wonderful woman who helped me see that I need to protect my self from these stresses and to understand my mother's neediness. I still need to hurt her eventually because I need to grow up.

So I wait for Tuesday and ponder how to survive the emotional rollercoaster.

I re-read Kernelcrash's amazing story Child of the Night-Director's Cut and got to thinking about the wide gulf that separates two camps of Farscape fan fic-- call them the "Literary Mavins" and the "Story Tellers" and fence-sitter that I am, I can understand the split. Yet, it pains me that there is this rift. Great literature is experimental, such as John Dos Passos or Updike or Ulysses and difficult to read and makes you think with every word. There is a place for this type of writing and it is inherently elitist. Then there are the story tellers, the Cliffard Simak's, Zenna Hendersons, Judith Tarrs who are read like comfort food--they lead a reader in with simple, straight ahead stories filled with vivid characters and deep characterizations that I can visualize deeply and FEEL. There is a place for both types of literature. The Sparkys are a popularity contest as much as a recognition of merit. As such, I am not surprised that the difficult stories, the Black Ghosts and Fialka's and Cofax' experiments are bypassed over the straight ahead stories like Crash's Cholak's Demon or Reefrunner's trilogy. Because readers recognize superior of both types--the stories and the literature and the voted on the best of both.

There should be no animosity and bad feelings over the imbalance between stories and literature in the Sparkys--comfort will win over working to understand a story every time. It is surely even amazing that some of the difficult stories won and deservedly so.

Now about the argument about "Happy ending" stories vs. ambiguous or bad endings--I do fall strongly on the side of being REAL and TRUE to the characters. Bad!John or Evil!John or Braca/John relations, and so forth aren't real to me. John Crichton is a very complex character with a rich and evolved history that entails violence to his world and himself, yet he retains a kernel of honor and greatness within himself that makes Farscape special. I can't see that killed. So I guess I am a wimp and Kansan at heart.

I love the folks on both the Dark Fic school and the Fluffy Bunnys school and it saddens me that there is this competition here. Let's not let it split the Scapers, okay?


Re: hey, you....

Oh Scaper, thanks for the hugs and support. Yeah, bringing up parents is difficult--my mother means well but is extremely egocentric--has been for the 22 years of my marriage and since my father passed away 9 years ago she has demanded a lot from me that is really mine to give to my husband--my emotional support, physcial support, and presence. The breast cancer has lessened my ability to be able to deal with supporting her and myself and my family's needs. And, yes I guess I have to let her know that her feeling sorry for herself for my cancer does me no good--and hurt her feelings in the process.

As far as Scaper stories go--I agree with you 100 percent in terms of the Sparkys and how the voting went--that I voted for craft as well and gave my votes to a wide variety of stories--including those that were uncomfortable for me to read but made me think--those were the best. I also voted for stories that were new and diffierent or had some sort of glimmer of something that made them special even if they were not the author's best work.

The dark fic and bunny fic split will continue and I read a little of everything as long as I feel it is true to my vision of Farscape (which may not be other folk's vision). I admire your work muchly and can read your heart in these stories of yours. As I have said in the past, you are a great teacher and it shows in your writing.

Thanks again and I am up for the chemo and will be fore the rest of the dren. I'll just read my way through this.