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sg1 poke

Quiz Time!

I stole this from ivp3. Silly quiz but it does seem to reflect part of me. Sigh. If only. I've stopped writing. I don't seem to have it in me. I'm not sure where I am going. Nothing on the horizon but more of the same. Big birthday coming up -- half a century and very little to show for it except a failed PhD, a good marriage to a guy going through a mid-life crisis for the past four years and unemployed. I do have two daughters who are busy exploring early and middle teenage years with a vengeance but are really good people. I suppose that D and I have succeeded in setting them on the right path, but it doesn't feel like enough. I can't seem to get my talents pulled together. So many folks do things better than I. I keep hearing of things I'm desperate to pursue but have no opportunities. I sent out 350 postcards offering a web site package and got no responses. I love creating. I love organizing. I love communicating, I love helping. You would think that with this many years under my belt I would have choked down this insecurity, but it rears its head.

I do have one client at the moment but they are driving me crazy because I underbid the price and they expect me to be at their beck and call for so little money. My hubby keeps pointing out my lack of business acumen and inability to communicate with newbies about the web and expenses of setting up a presence. I am so insecure that I try and get approval from the client and D when I just should have laid out a roadmap before diving in. Because I made assumptions about the client's knowledge of what it took to set up an e-store financially, they nit pick every single expense or decision I make. All I want to do is create. Then there is the problem of what is in my head vs. what I am able to produce. I see these gorgeous sites with amazing art and I despair. I'm rambling.

I also realize that I am more interested in making a useful site than I am of making it astoundingly gorgeous but useless. I see sites that I shake my head about--use of scrollers or Flash where a simple navigation scheme would be more useful. I think it is my wish to help, to nurture that also gets me in trouble. I love adding things and finding ways to do things. But I am so woefully unable to find paying clients for whom I can do things. And so I sit and watch on the sidelines as things pass by.

I am very morbid today. Birthday blues, I think.

Quiz time:

<td align="center">You will be famous for writing a national bestseller

You are very observant and tend to be the wallflower at parties. You are intuitive and know just how to communicate everything that you are feeling to those around you.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

I am really getting excited about seeing Serenity on Friday afternoon (if I can get tickets). We figure we'll see it as a couple and then take the girls on Saturday or Sunday. The previews look fabulous but I worry that the general public (read reviewers and editors of science fiction magazines) will trash it. I've already read a review in DreamWatch that is dreadful. And so mean.

I'm also curious about MirrorMask. Neil Gaiman is very bizarre and beautiful.

I also posted on Science.com's competition for the top 25 Science Fiction greats that I felt that soft science fiction authors, such as Anne McCaffrey and Zenna Henderson will get short shrift because that site self-selects for hard science geeks. I received a really weird response back--Anne McCaffrey is for children and I should have grown out of her stories long ago because she doesn't build characters. Huh??? To Ride Pegasus is one of my all-time comfort book series. I don't understand how a person can "grow out of" an author or disregard a great story teller. I guess this adds up to my preference for story telling to "art" in my reading. I'll take Zenna Henderson's People books and Patricia McKillip's Riddlemaster over Philip Dick's strange dark books any day.

But that discussion is for another day. Maybe life will pick up and something will happen. At least I have life. That counts for something.

Al Stewart - On The Border - If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It
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I know the feelings - the birthday, the coulda/shoulda/wouldas, the yearning to do something significant and fulfilling.

At the risk of sounding cliche-ish, you aren't alone, and you've got more to show by way of accomplishments than you realize. Everything in your life to this point has made you the person you are now, and you need to be this person in order to be the person you will become.

I'm paraphrasing here, but as Dumbledore once said to Harry, "It isn't our abilities, but rather our choices, that matter." I'm drawn to that quote, or rather, to that notion, because it gives me hope that by wanting to do better, to be more, that I can make it happen, somehow.

What would be sad would be if you *didn't* have ambitions and the desire to achieve.

Wait for the wheel, and be ready to seize the opportunities as you come to them.

Bexxa, you are always there with the right thing to say. Thank you. I truly also will remember that quote. It is difficult to wait... but I will. And heck, I did make it though a huge trauma in my life in one piece. That's saying something.

Thank you for being a wise friend.
I think that often we (the generic "we") don't give ourselves enough credit for our strengths, and our successes. When we screw up, that's always all our fault, but when we succeed, we back up and say it was luck, or coincidence, or anyone would've done the same thing, etc.

And that's not fair to ourselves.

So - I'm glad if I've said something that helps. I need to hear myself say that stuff, sometimes, and I need to listen, and to believe.

Anyway - we're all alright. :)
{{{many hugs}}} i hope that your birthday brings hope. and appreciation from the people around you. sending you good thoughts. :)