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angel john

A whine

Tomorrow I go back under the knife for hopefully the last time. Now I am usually a glass half full type of woman, but for some reason I can’t wrap my mind around the “last time” part of the equation and have much fear about the pending operation. I have set up a support system of doctors to deal with the aftermath, since each time I have one of these reconstruction things, something goes haywire. I have loved ones supporting me and I can’t figure out why I am still really obsessing.

It might be because the end of things is “the end of things”; meaning no more leaning on recovery as a crutch for not getting on with my life. There is much in flux right now. My older daughter is searching for something in school that has meaning for her while combating ADD and its attendant executive function issues. My husband is still unemployed and searching for what he wants to do when he grows up (at age 51) and it worries and frustrates me that I can’t give him some of my “just go out there and do it” momentum. And me, well I keep searching too--for something to do with my creative urges that will make money.

I am getting out more and feeling less reclusive. I went to a fascinating presentation by a cultured pearl wholesaler yesterday. Gorgeous things--black pearls, golden pearls, etc. I’ve never seen such jewelry in my life. I loved learning about how pearls are made and sold. The fact that some rich lady in Dallas can write a check for $56,000 for a string of cultured pearls is beyond me. It was a fun presentation considering I will never wear such things (and really don’t like the gaudy, “I’m so rich” type jewelry. I was also amused that some of the women in the room DO buy pearls like that.

I just can’t shake the feeling that another shoe will drop and that this is not the end of my recovery. Like I said, I don’t want it to end and I so do want it to end. I’m just standing here on the cusp feeling terrified.

Comments

(((ixxie)))

i'll say a prayer for you hun. i'm certain you'll pull through and i truly hope this is the last of it for you. *hugs*

i work for a jewelry store and in May we're having a big event where jewelers are coming in bringing loose gemstones and settings for rings/earrings/necklaces, etc. if you would like to come and learn more about all the jewelry stuff, just say! i'll give you directions, make sure you get a post card reminder and i'll even treat you to lunch! i think its great you've found something that you find interesting and if i can help in any way i would love to do that.

*hugs* hang in there!
awww, thanks for the offer. I'd love to have lunch with you anytime. We will just have to find a place to rendezvous--Columbia? I'm not really interested in the jewelry, per se, but rather the sociology of folks who buy it and the immense work it takes to create it. I intellectualize stuff.Giggle But thanks for the offer. Email me and we can figure out a way to get together.
haha okay!

have you decided about shore leave? if you decide to go, we are *so* hanging out there! :D
I'll be at Shore Leave, definitely. I'm bringing my daughter.
sweeeeet!!! i'm trying to convince a buddy of mine to go with me. also trying to convince my kin in baltimore to let me stay there. heh

*squee!*
(((you)))

no more leaning on recovery as a crutch for not getting on with my life

You realize this, and that's a perfect way to step into the future! You *will* find the next goal to work toward. Doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or next week, but you *will* find the next target, and you *will* set out on the path that will get you there, and you *will* find wonderful and unexpected and sometimes scary things around the corners.

I'm so proud of you for having reached this point in your life, and I look forward to all the new places you will go. :)
Bexxa, what I like about the lj and my flist is that we can lean on each other and learn from each other. Thank you so much for your support as I flounder around with my life. You Rock!!
Oh wows, I really do hope that everything goes well tomorrow. Sorry the half full thinking is not in full gear this time, just try not to think too much and accidentally will things into being.

Much hope.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Nope, although I have a tendency to over think stuff (obsessive, moi??), I'm valiently trying not to do that. Thanks for the hope. I'll keep it safe.

I adore your icon by the way. Angel Kitties!
I would like to second what bexxa said, as I couldn't have put it any better myself. There are a lot of places on the Internet, too, that look like they address the different struggles of life after breast cancer. I have been impressed by your strength in the short time I've known you. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!
Thanks for the kind thoughts.

www.breastcancer.org is a fabulous support as is the Susan Komon Foundation's site. I have used the forums there (as a lurker as I'm quite shy about this stuff for some reasons that I won't go into). I've also had therapy from a psychologist specializing in Breast Cancer survivors. I try to share my experiences to help others as well. So, you are right, there are places on the 'net that offer help.

Thanks, I try for strength but it doesn't feel like it inside sometimes. I'll be fine.
I suppose I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said, but I'd like to add in my own wishes of good luck!
Darn, forgot about the surgery. I'll throw some positive thoughts in your general direction tomorrow.

But I don't think you were using the recovery for not getting on with your life. You got on with your life just fine so far, even after the previous stints in the hospital.

So, got close enough to your target weight? (btw. either you're not getting my mails, or your mails are not getting to me, so on the off chance you told me you quit the last time I mailed (which, I admit was too long ago anyway) you know why I ask it here again.

--
Marcel
Thanks Marcel. Your wishes mean a lot.

Well, yes and no about the weight. I lost about 10 lbs and have about 20 more to go which I'll pursue after recovery (or during actually). I think our emails went ary somewhere. Poking me monthly is a big help.Hearty Grin
Don't understand what happened to the mails. I remember getting the "I've protected my mail box from you spammers"-type messages, proved to the system that I'm human and can read letters and numbers just fine, no matter what background you put behind it and I think that's when the mail contact went down. But, as I'd been busy for a few weeks, I didn't really attempt any other contact either.

But Chaz was a big help, wasn't she. I got some troopers waiting to help you ;)
Best wishes for an easy surgery. Knowing that there's a huge adjustment to looking beyond this phase of your life into the next one is half the battle.
Thanks!
i'm sending you good thoughts and gentle hugs. i hope all goes well, please take good care of yourself. i'm also wishing that you have people near you to take very good care of you too. *more gentle hugs*
Awww. Thanks Jen. Yes, I have people near me who take very good care of me (if I let them). I'll be good and back on line on Wednesday 'cause I can't stay away.

Pretty Daniel icon.
so...can i be pushy and encourage you to let them take good care of you? *bg*

i'll be thinking of you.

and oh yes, a very fine daniel icon by sorch_gaia. :)
Yeah, you can be pushy. And keep thinking of Farscape/Stargate Ballroom. That tarrantella by Scorpy and the Wraith is a thing to behold. Scorpy has the rose in his teeth thorn side in.
bwahaha! i'm going to hold onto those images. and yes, scorpy would have the thorn side in.

and thank you for letting me be pushy. i do tend to go from zero to overprotective in a nanosecond. ;)
I will be praying for you and thinking of you as you go under your last surgery. This is another step toward a very, very positive future for you and your family. They say when you hit bottom there is only one way you can go and that is up. Well, honey, you can only go up and I believe you are doing just that.

Remember your friends are supporting you with good karma coming your way.
I know from some of my own experience this is not a "cake walk", for sure. But this is also "No hill for a stepper."

I will be sending my prayers and positive thoughts your way. You are strong, you are confident and you are capable of going through this...all the way to a joyful outcome :)

I have faith in you! If you want to see this "last" as a beginning for you "to get on with your life"...OK, that's cool. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a reason (and permission) to soldier forward.

I'm finally "growing out of the pot," I challenge you to do the same, lovely Rita :) Be sure to post your progress. I don't want to worry :)
Christi, coming from you who has also gone through this dren, your comments mean a lot. I like that... "growing out of the pot". I think I'll use it. It is good friends like you, twich, DE, and everyone on my flist who make me try to be less harsh with myself. It might just work.

I'll keep in touch, never fear. You know I can't shut up!